The Third Time Can Be A Charm

The joke amongst my friends is that I’m only good for a 8-10 year relationship.
This sounds like I don’t really have any *friends*, so let’s go through a little history of my dating/ married life.

First Charm (not so charming)

My first love  was Heathcliff. We had met at a local coffeehouse and I was mesmerized by his long fingers, keen eyes, and hair that was thick and curly. I loved the way that his lips pursed and his voice quivered when he spoke. He was a broody Renaissance man; a professional Jazz upright bass player, lover of art , and the first man I had met that had an apartment that was decorated better than mine. We would listen to music, watch old movies, and go to the ends of the Earth for a good Thai or Chinese restaurant.

After a few weeks of courting, we moved in together. Being a jazz musician, who was devoted to his craft, left him no time for a job. This made me the breadwinner. After a year together, he said that he wanted to go back to school to get his Masters degree in Jazz Performance. He applied, and was soon accepted into a top music school. I emptied out my savings , packed up our pad, and moved us 200 miles away.

I started to feel a little used, and unfulfilled. He didn’t think it was necessary to work (while he was in school) and the apartments that he wanted (near campus) were very expensive. Also, he always needed more equipment; amps, a new upright bass (that was worth more than our car), and loads of music CDs. I had 2 jobs; one at a furniture store, and the other as a waitress. I worked my ass off , and kept telling myself that this is what people do to support the one they love.

After he graduated, he said that he wanted to get a doctorate in music. This brought up many questions; What was the plan for our future? What was he going to do with a doctorate? I would like to go back to school–what about me? He said he wanted to marry me and that after he graduated, I could  go back to school.

The day of our engagement , we ran out   to a little vintage jeweler,and found a delicate band of white gold in a vine-like pattern. It was such a fragile ring ,but I convinced myself that it was strong enough to last through our marriage.

I was wrong.

It wasn’t long, after our nightmarishly huge wedding, that he received his doctorate. The plans had changed– he didn’t want to live in Miami anymore–he wanted to move to NYC and play in jazz clubs. By now, I had started doing interior design full time, and was making a decent living. I couldn’t just pick up and move. He knew that.

He left the same day that my wedding band fell apart. He took all of the wedding presents, our car, and my dignity. I was bereft in grief, for what I thought was losing the love of my life.

Second Charm (not my prince)

With a broken heart, I threw myself into work. I wasn’t the type to go out to bars, so I would meet girlfriends for coffee or go to the movies. One of my friends worked in a fashion boutique, so I would stop in and hang out. I became friendly with her boss, Bran ; a older man (who one couldn’t say was my type) but was really funny, loved to talk about art, and from a quirky, fabulous family. He was an artist, moved from NYC, never been married, and was supporting his elderly parents.

We would sit in a nearby cafe, drink wine, and chat for hours. The conversations filled my void, and for the first time in a long time, I felt connected to someone. We started dating (to the chagrin of my friend ) who couldn’t understand what I saw in him.

The first time I met his parents, I became completely smitten, hooked! They were heady, fun, and full of life. They were like swell characters in a Jimmy Stewart film. This propelled the courtship forward, and I can’t even remember how all of my furniture was moved from my former marital love shack to his condo. I slowly gave up the security of having my own career, and became immersed in building up his business. Our relationship had become a  working partnership.

After 5 years together, we had a baby girl.

Motherhood opened me up to a love that I had never imagined. I worked the store with the baby strapped to my chest and didn’t put her down for the first two years of her life! I made local mommy friends after putting her in preschool, and started to notice how different my relationship with my husband was from theirs.

Whenever I went to social gatherings, it was always by myself. Bran wasn’t into going out, was really a bit of a recluse, and had no interest in changing. I would cook dinner and wait for him to come home, but he could never make it. Our conversations were only about the store and he started to withdraw more and more into his art studio. The fact was that we never had that much in common. Again, it was me that was working to keep the relationship going, and he wasn’t emotionally available.

By the time our daughter was in kindergarten, the marriage was over. We were totally incompatible. I bathed myself in guilt for not being able to work it out and filed for divorce.With the economy and my marriage failing  at the same time,  I got back into interior design and started a fashion consulting business. Though I was going through so much hardship, a tiny wave of optimism washed right over me. Maybe it was all of the self help books I read that encouraged me to call myself “Girl” and “Get Your  Groove Back!” or maybe it was the fact that I was nearing 40 and I wanted to discover who the new me was.

3rd Charm (Prince Charming)

My second divorce had pushed me through a porthole of self-discovery. Unfortunately, the  married mommy friends suddenly didn’t want to be around the newly single me. As it turned out; many of them were struggling in their own relationships and were threatened by my new “Girl” status. That was ok, because it pushed me into deepening friendships with the people who stayed.

I’ve always loved music, so I enrolled in a local DJ school with a friend.

We were in a class with Apple Genius Bar guys, traffic ticket lawyers, a doctor, and a few young people who wanted to be rock stars . After we graduated, my friend went out and bought the DJ equipment. We soon started spinning music at friends’ birthday parties, restaurant openings, and special events. To make ends meet, I hocked my wedding band, watch, and the few pieces of jewelry that I owned and opened a tiny boutique. I was starting to feel unusually good about my life, for the first time in a long while.

Dating , though, terrified me.

Miami is a really fast city. Several would be suitors turned out to be duds; doesn’t-want-to-ever-be-married, doesn’t-want- to-be-married-but-had-a-kid-with-a-scary-dragon lady, wants-to-stay-married-but-date, needs-to-stay-married-but-isn’t-turned-on-by-his-wife. It didn’t take long before I was wearing a faux wedding band.

Then the advice started pouring in.

“You shouldn’t be single for too long, at your age,” said one unhappily married acquaintance.  Our age was almost 40. I remember feeling that I only had time for my daughter, work, work, more work, and coffee (also known as cheap therapy) with friends. My first marriage had left me in a emotional stupor, my second with a amalgamation of guilt and relief. My new relationship with myself was sacred.

It took 1 year, after my divorce, to start going out on dates.

After turning down many offerings of matchmaking, I was ready to meet the type of men that the “newly discovered” me found interesting. I dated more people in a three year window than I had in my whole life! The old me would think that the new me was a complete tart! For the first time in my life I had flowers, chocolate, and wine sent to my home (from various suitors.) There were  a lot of late night texting, sexting, and the very-new-to-me cybersexing. It was dizzying fun.

I did keep my boundaries though.

I never introduced anyone that I was dating to my daughter, no one was ever aloud in my home, and I wasn’t anyone’s girlfriend. I was also careful about who I went out with, and wouldn’t mince words when it came to being honest about my feelings, or lack of feelings of them.

Did you know that some men do not like too much honesty?

I didn’t. Never being in the dating game before; I realized that I was a former mater, not a dater. Now I had become a fearless dater. My heart had healed, my self identity was stronger, and someone would have to be perfect for me to slip a ring back on my finger.

I met the ring bearer 3 years after my second divorce. I had been bribed to go to a friend’s college reunion. A very young, attractive man came over, and introduced himself to me. He wasn’t particularly my type, because somehow I had become a ageist (his name tag read that he had graduated only two years earlier.) Our age gap was 13 years. He was tenacious in pursuing me, and had an uncommon purity about him. I was drawn in by his wit, lack of being jaded, and his wise-beyond-his-years soul.

After 6 months of secretly dating, we talked about getting married. He wanted to build a life together. By now I was feeling comfortable in my skin.

Was I falling back into my old pattern of hiding behind a man?

I thought about it for weeks, but I knew that my life with him felt right. My friends were shocked when I told them that we were getting married. One went as far to say ” At some point, you will get old, and he will leave you.” I had already thought of that, but knew that life is not predictable.

No one in life is immune from rejection and loss.

We are now married, have two beautiful children together, and he is a wonderful stepfather to my oldest daughter. I have my own career and interests, and he has his– but we are building our new life together, and growing together. It’s not perfect, and we struggle with issues like how we  come from different cultural backgrounds (he is Chinese and I am from white crazy people) , how to raise our mix-raced kids, and how totally messy he is compared to me.

The difference with this marriage  is that we want to work through our issues and grow together because we have a lot of love and respect for each other.

So maybe the third time really can be a charm?

Share this and win….literally nothing but my love! You win my love! Ok,ok…I’ll cast a spell that will bring you good luck. So, you get my love and good luck!