This weekend was hard. My best friend held a wake for her late father. I had only met him a handful of times, but he positively affected my life by raising the most loving person I’ve ever met, and a fellow Daddy’s girl. By the conclusion of the service, the feeling you came away with was the familiarity of an old friend. The stories and the love expressed by his family resonated with my own feelings of loss for my Dad; sitting alone in my chair, letting the beauty of the sentiments wash over me, I looked around the pavilion at all of the somber faces.
That’s when I was struck by how many empty seats there were.
The destination she had chosen was chimerically beautiful. A private garden, swathed in local flora and incredible views of the Bay. The tables were decorated with light bites, wine, and coffee. All, so that people can be made comfortable and linger, before and after the service, while honoring her family and his memory.
Every detail was thought of because, well, that’s how my friend rolls. She is “that woman”; the one who you can depend on to be with you in a time of crisis, or any major life event– no matter what may be going on in her life. She understands that friendship is about being there for the good times and the bad.
Her father had outlived all of his friends. It’s one of those badges we wear as time moves ahead and we lose some of our beloveds along the way.
The empty chairs represented the people that were lost.
In another way, they represented those that couldn’t make the time for it.
There were a handful of loyal, diehard family friends that showed up, a few former business associates, and a smattering of family. One friend came even though she had to work and get ready for her own life event the following day. She stayed for 30 minutes, chatted, cried, and left. It was a beautiful gesture.
A couple had to get a sitter and leave a cable repairman in order to come,and hang out for a bit. One of her father’s former business associates looked like he was struggling with his own mortality, as he hobbled around the venue–struggling to keep his balance.
Everyone there had deadlines, children, or some other place they could’ve been.
But all of our busy schedules could wait. For a few hours could be set aside for a friend. Moments to honor someone’s life that positively affected so many others.
As I guided people to the guest book to sign in, I asked my sweet friend if “So and So” was coming. She shook her head, glancing over the heaps of tea sandwiches and scones, and said that “So-So” couldn’t make it because she had something else scheduled. I became silently infuriated when I heard the bullshit reason why.
Funerals and wakes are a time for the people in your life to come out and be supportive; not only to remember the dead but to show the living how much they mean to you.
You are honoring the person’s life and their loved ones by taking time out of your day, and making it about them. Bosses, deadlines, recreational classes– all of the reasons that make us busy can be set aside so that you can give your respect.
Another friend also noted the lack of attendance and wanted to know if certain people were invited. I explained that not only were they invited, but they were given almost 2 months in advance. She asked, “Are people that selfish that they can’t come and show their respect?” I couldn’t find language appropriate enough to answer.
My sweet friend is the antithesis of the word selfish. She is always there for everyone in her life–no matter how inconvenient. The people that didn’t come, can count many times when she has been there for their important life events.
So when should you attend a funeral or wake?
If you were invited, if you have been told about it by the host/hostess– you should go. This is your moment to show friends that they matter. Sending flowers or doing whatever crap that makes you feel less guilty is transparent. It’s one thing if you live out of state, are sick, or just had a baby– but there is no excuse if you are willingly busy. When you are present, you tell that person, in front of family and loved ones “You are a cherished person and I am here to acknowledge that.”
Life doesn’t always fit our busy schedules and the people in our lives should never be taken for granted.
Sometimes you need to cancel or rearrange your priorities.
Our time is the most valuable thing that we can give each other. Our time.
30 minutes, 15 minutes, 10 minutes…
Share this and win….literally nothing but my love! You win my love! Ok,ok…I’ll cast a spell that will bring you good luck. So, you get my love and good luck!
